New Traditions and Old Friends

Sigh. Diahn was here for a few days this week and we had a wonderful time. It's the second annual Mudbug Madness visit. It's now officially a tradition, you know. We had plenty of crawfish dishes, sultry nights and of course, lots of conversation. And Mark, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that my recipe for crawfish etouffee does NOT, I repeat, NOT involve cream of mushroom soup. Nope. No sir. Or peppers, or shrimp. But that's okay, I forgive you, my vegetarian, yankee friend.

The first night she arrived, Wednesday, she went to band practice with me and then we sat up way, way, way too late, talking and catching up. Thursday night, we headed out to a local, quaint establishment, the Olive St. Bistro, for wine and a nice meal with three of my closest friends. The meal was lovely in spite of our young, pretentious waiter. I'll let Diahn tell you about him...and she will, trust.

Friday, we headed to Jefferson, Texas, where we browsed through antique shops, walked around downtown, had a delicious lunch at a very cool place, Glory Dayz. Diahn took plenty of photos which she'll be posting soon. The highlight for me was an hour long Turning Basin Bayou Tour. Our guide told us the boats were purchased from Six Flags, an old river ride. He was awesome. We learned a lot about the history of Jefferson and how it evolved, via steamboats and the civil war. He told us about local mammoth snapping turtles, mayhaw jelly and snakes. And most importantly, because it's such a small tourist town, he told us colorful details about the locals. The ride was peaceful and lazy, complete with a little southern gossip. I'm going back soon. Can't wait to take a ride on the Ghost Train! Before the ride starts, there's a campfire at the depot, complete with ghost stories...how cool is that? There's a part of me that couldn't stand to live too far away from a nice, sized city with bookstores, Starbucks and museums. But there's another part of me that could really get used to living in a a small town like this. A place where you can take a stroll downtown, and have a slice of pie and a cup of coffee and catch up on all that's going on with the locals. A place where you can always catch a game of checkers at the general store.

Here's a few pictures. I miss you already, Dino.

















The restaurant, Glory Dayz. We fell in love with the colorful chairs. The green ones have the Dr. Pepper logo.

This is the courtyard...























Cool, blue truck, parked in front of the general store.

















This sign was in the doorway of the general store.


















Dino, about to open a bottle of whoop ass...

















Here's the cottage where we bought the tickets for the boat tour.

















Ahh...the lazy, peaceful boat tour.


















































Our amazing tour guide and guests...

















Happy Memorial Day everyone. Enjoy your family and friends and remember those who fought, and are still fighting, for our way of life...and for our amazing, beautiful, eclectic country.

Magpie 15

You can take my five loaves

and two fish, and multiply them,

that’s simple enough.

Or you can attend my wedding,

and with one touch, turn well water

into sweet, red wine.

You can cast out my demons,

one by one,

and send them into innocent swine.

Hold my hand, as we step out onto

the turbulent waves of the sea,

stare me in the eye,

and ask me if I believe.

Or how about this,

raise my son's father from the dead,

and while you’re at it,

my Grandmother, too.

And even then,

I wonder,

would I be any closer

to understanding

the way that you love me?

If faith comes by hearing,

speak louder.

If seeing is believing,

show me.

Go here to see more wonderful, eclectic magpies...you'll be glad you did. I was.

The End of a New Beginning

I'm going to wrap this up now, dear friends. Again with the surprise, I bet you're thinking. I wanted to share this significant event in our lives with you and what I've learned, but it's time to move on. There's magpies to write! And a sweet friend traveling a long way to visit with me this week!

I watched "Parenthood" last week and there's a scene where an older aunt compares marriage to a roller coaster. She says that the first time she rode one, she felt frightened, sick, and exhilarated all at the same time. Some people love the roller coaster, said said, but some people choose the merry-go-round, where there are no surprises, no twists or turns, no speed. She said she always liked the roller coaster. What a perfect metaphor for life and marriage and family. It rings of truth.

When we got the call from his ex about his daughter, I heard a ticking sound as we were being pulled up the track of the roller coaster to a mammoth hill. I was consumed with fear. And the fear was simply this...I was afraid that this man whom I had built a life with the past four years, the man who had been a father to my children, a grandfather to our grandson, would leave. You see, Robert's always wanted child of his own. I can't have any more children, but I've given him mine and he's embraced them as his own. But I was so afraid that the pull he would feel for his daughter, his biological daughter, would be so strong that all of us, would eventually fade away. That we would began to seem less important, less real. Now granted, this realization didn't come to me immediately, the fear was too thick for me to see through to the crux of the matter. But some great friends helped me to see through the fog. And I learned that I didn't trust for this love to last, not that I didn't trust Rob, but I didn't trust or feel that I deserved this kind of love. Abandonment issues, remember? Replacing that lie with the truth became easier, once I identified the lie. Over time.

And Rob? He handled this like he handles everything else, with forgiveness and patience and grace. Instead of being angry that he had missed so much of his daughter's life, he chose to forgive and move on. He taught me that I had some people that I needed to forgive as well. I thought I had. Turns out, not so much. That bad energy was still hanging around.

In less than three weeks, we had the results of the DNA test and were on our way to Alabama to meet her for the first time. She was prepared for the visit, she hadn't known anyone as Daddy her whole life, and was more than ready to meet him. The first thing she said to him after she wrapped her arms around his neck was, "Daddy, I've missed you so much." I could have dropped to the floor and melted into an emotional Lifetime movie mess after that. My husband was overwhelmed, he was instantly in love, happy, and frightened, too. How would this work? How would he spend time with her, while she lived two states away? How would he get to know her? How would he show her he loved her?







But you know what? The bond was instant. See the picture above? That's pretty much where she stayed the entire weekend, in his arms. He asked me once if I thought she was too big to be held and I told him he could hold her as long as he wanted, he had missed so many years. He smiled. I love to watch him as he watches her. I can see him trying to memorize every curve of her face, every freckle, everything that he has yet to learn about her. And I'm so honored that I get to be a part of her life from the beginning, at least as we know it, that I get to be there for the both of them, just as he's been there for me and mine.

We took her to the aquarium in Chattanooga, a gorgeous fun place. My youngest daughter came along on the trip, anxious to meet her new stepsister. Our oldest daughter had to work so she stayed home. But their support was amazing! Before we left town, our oldest told Rob that he shouldn't worry, that he would make a great father, because he already was a great father.



Above is Lyanna, the little cutie, and below is Sara, our other little cutie, in the butterfly room. She and Lyanna hit it off amazingly well.




He loved holding her. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen in my life.



Since then, she's been to visit us. It was a wonderful visit and we're planning another visit with her in about a week. He talks to her almost every night on the phone, reads her stories, as much as her four and a half year old attention span will allow. We're still learning, still trying to figure this out, but it will all work out. Things are only as complicated as you allow them to be, right? And it's not complicated to love this child, to enfold her into our lives.

Here's what I've learned:

1. The heart is ever expanding.
2. Forgiveness is a choice and so incredibly freeing.
3. Trust. Go out on a limb and trust that all is working out as it should. Because it always does.
4. My marriage is stronger than ever. My family has been strengthened by this lovely, new addition.
5. Embrace the curve balls...they turn into home-runs.
6. Family isn't always defined in traditional, biological terms. It is defined and shaped by love, encouragement and acceptance.
7. I have an amazing group of friends who know me, call me out when I need it, and still love me.
8. Never, never, never get too comfortable. Because change is inevitable and it's only through change that we grow. And who wants to be stagnant? Boring. I hate the merry-go-round!

So, that's it...for now.

Thanks for listening.

The Middle

Onward from the wedding...continuing with the surprise. We honeymooned in San Antonio, Texas. That in itself was an adventure. Just as we were pulling into the city limits, the transmission went out in my truck, affectionately known as, the Rover. I had always wanted a Land Rover and we bought a beat-up used one the year before. Actually, Robert surprised me with the Rover, knowing how much I wanted one, hating the mechanical complications that he knew would come along with the purchase.

This is a tiny picture of me, in the hills of Tennessee, with the Rover, tearing up some terrain.



Not really...that's what the Rover looked like, but that's not me. That's why the picture is so tiny. I'm not computer saavy enough to enlarge stolen photos. BUT...it could have been me. One day. You never know. Whimper.

But I digress, the honeymoon was wonderful. We decided to stay, with our broken down truck, and finish out the week. It was easy to do since we stayed on the River Walk and could walk anywhere we wanted. Jazz clubs, boat rides down the river walk, souvenir shops, delicious cuisine, and a band from Peruvia that played everyday, at the main entrance. Who knew we both loved peruvian music?



My cousin drove to San Antonio at the end of the week to give us, me, Rob and the Rover, a six hour drive back to reality. And this is where I will start to give you the Reader's Digest version of the next four years, leading up to the great surprise. Seriously. I can't go on like this for six more months, pilfering little bits and pieces of those years, hear and there.

1. Rover got fixed and lasted for a couple of years, until I had an accident that totaled it. Whimper. I now drive a Malibu Maxx....yeah, baby! Did I mention it has satellite radio?
2. Son and girlfriend, complete with a five month old little girl, moved in merely months after we were married.
3. Youngest daughter, only 12 at the time, proclaimed that she hated us both.
4. Son and girlfriend proceeded down a very dark, Jerry Springer-like road for another year, moving in and out of our home.
5. Son and girlfriend became pregnant with my sweet grandson, little B.
6. Son and girlfriend got married in the backyard of my best friends home, neither one of them remember the nuptials. It was a horribly, sad wedding.
7. Grandson was born!
8. Son and new daughter-in-law moved back in, with now a 1 and 1/2 year old little girl and a newborn.
9. More Jerry Springer episodes ensued...many, many episodes.
10. Son and daughter-in-law left grandson with us at the age of 6 months for us to raise....just until they got back on their feet. It took awhile...he was with us full time for almost two years.
11. My Grandmother died.
12. Daughters grew into young womanhood, one started driving.
13. The youngest daughter hated me less, with only sporadic episodes of typical teenage hatred, while the oldest daughter blossomed.
14. Our boss, my husband and I work for the same man, drove us nearly to the brink of insanity.
15. Our old house, 75 years old, continued to deteriorate around our ears.
16. And really, the last 6 happened during the whole Jerry Springer episodes. More than once during those couple of years, my husband bailed my son out of jail in the middle of the night. And more than once, he went looking for our grandson when they disappeared with him. And more than once, he was reminded that he assumed a tremendous responsibility when he married me, and my brood. Yet, he stayed and never complained.
17. We struggled financially...who doesn't?
18. We adjusted to new married life, in the midst of all the chaos. Me, with my years of baggage and abandonment issues and anger. Him, with his years of baggage and abandonment issues and passive-aggressive ways.
19. My parents aged. My father became very ill, we thought we might lose him. He recovered.
20. We struggled financially.
21. My son and daughter-in-law finally got their lives together and started becoming the parents Little B deserved.
22. Daughters began emerging from teenage angst and became bearable functioning, human beings.
23. Started understanding my boss! Finally.
24. Started remodeling on the house! Finally.
25. Started getting a little ahead with our finances! Finally.
26. Worked through some past baggage issues with my passive aggressive, sweet husband.
26. Found out hubby has a daughter he never knew about from PREVIOUS relationship...wait? WHAT?

What the heck? I can tell you now, things are fine. But I can also tell you, it wasn't easy at first, folks. Because apparently I hadn't completely worked through number 26 like I thought. I was side-swiped! Ambushed! Bamboozled! We both were.

So...what have I learned? Oy-vey. I'm too tired to go into it now. But I will sum it up for you in my next post. It's all good...don't worry.

And here is a pretty picture of a flower to hold you over until I muster up the courage to tell you...the rest of the story. Rest in peace, Paul Harvey.



Ahhh, the Iris...pretty, isn't it?

Magpie #13

An eye for an eye, is what he always said.
Revenge was the only religion he embraced.
But what he never saw was that he took
without reason, without prompts.
He took like a greedy child in a candy store,
fists full of Red Hots and Butterscotch discs,
with feverish, darting eyes, looking over
his shoulder left and right.
Always fearful, he took what he thought
he may need for an imagined apocalypse.
You never know, he always said.
So, he sits on his stockpile of bitterness,
his stockpile of bodies and plucked eyeballs
and guards his heart,
thinking he might need it one day,
in case of an emergency.


For more Magpie tales, go here, or click on the magpie image on the sidebar.

I'll continue my surprise story this week, for those of you who are following my very, slow, slow story. I'm still processing!

Magpie, #12

Because her memories are carried by the breeze, sometimes floating within her range of reason, sometimes fluttering weightlessly to the floor, she carries the paperweight in her pocket to keep them in place a little while longer. Because two weeks ago, her daughter promised her she would come by and help her write down her memories before they disappeared from the page. Because she feels the need for something solid, something to tether her here in this place for a little while longer, she carries this paperweight in her pocket.

This is something new for me, click on the sidebar, Magpie Tales, if you're interested in participating or just want to check it out. It's so awesome!

March 25, 2006

So, picking up from my last blog, I need to continue the story. I want to continue the story. If you know me, you may also know that sometimes I start a blog series and never finish. I'm working on being consistent. Just for you.

So..where were we? Oh yes, the wedding. It was beautiful. It was the wedding I always wanted. I married very young the first time, a mere 18, and we were married in his parents living room. The second time, by a justice of the peace. But this time, I was older and with more financial stability and wanted to be married near the water, with white folding chairs, and a dress that I picked out, something different, and a rockin' band, and dancing and good food and good wine and all my friends and family! And that's exactly what it was.

With a lot of help from this best friend extraordinaire, Crystal, who played two roles...that of the wedding planner and my maid of honor.



The weather was absolutely perfect. The sky was indigo blue, the water, calm and sparkling. And me? I was a mess. When I was a child, I was painfully shy. So much so that I think it probably bordered on a disorder. I've overcome so much of that, but still in moments where I'm the center of attention, my stomach flips and flops and begins to scream, "GET US OUT HERE OR I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO START PROJECTILE VOMITING AND IT WON'T BE PRETTY!" To which I reply, "Is it ever pretty?"

But just when I thought my stomach was going to show me just how un-pretty it could be, as I got to the end of the aisle, my eyes rested on this handsome gentlemen and my nerves settled.

This is my Dad and preacher extraordinaire.



He wrote a wedding ceremony tailored just for us. He's a deep thinker, a wonderful writer and knows the power of words. Because he knows me, he printed out a copy of said ceremony on beautiful parchment paper as a keepsake. I still read it from time to time. Dad is my rock. He also married me and my first love, Brian. Tragically, six years later, he also had the difficult task of preaching Brian's funeral. He's stood with me at many crossroads in my life.

This is my son, Jesse. He gave me away. The look on his face is that of a young man who's trying to show the world that he's an adult. And the look on my face? Well, this is about the time my stomach started taunting me.



These two little women are my daughters, Stevey and Sara. Stevey was nervous, too. She inherited my introverted ways and Sara loved that she got to wear little heels. They were my bridesmaids. They were so sweet that day.



And this guy on the left His name is Nate. He was the best man and comic relief.



When my father got to the place in the ceremony where he states, "You may now kiss your bride", instead of turning to me, Robert turned to the right and looked at Nate. Nate turned to Jesse and held out his hand. Jesse reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a canister of Binaca and gave it to Nate. Nate then turned to Robert and administered two quick, blasts of Binaca. All of this was done in the most solemn, Tony Soprano sort of way.

This is my mother with my father. Isn't she beautiful?



She's a wonderful mother who has put up with a lot from me over the years, especially my young adult years. She cried one whole summer when Brian and I were drifting around Florida, living in a stolen U-Haul tent, partying, with no way to be reached. She didn't often understand me, but she has always been my biggest fan. I truly believe that her motherly prayers are the only reason that I'm still around, seriously. I've done some reckless things in my life.

And guess who else was there? Sister-in-law and artist extraordinaire, Diahn.



She drove all the way from Knoxville, Tennessee. She's amazing and has known me for so long. Almost 30 years to be exact. Geez, that makes us sound old! We had sort of drifted apart over the years and the wedding marked the awakening of our very special friendship. She gets me and encourages my creative side.

This is my step mother-in-law, Elaine. She's Robert's stepmom and baker extraordinaire.



She made our cake and drove it here all the way from Alabama. She pieced it together in a hotel room the morning of the wedding. It was exquisite and one year later, when we took the top of the cake out of the freezer to celebrate our anniversary, it was still as moist and to- die-for as it was on that day.



My only regret is that I didn't dance with my husband. I don't dance. I can't dance. Well, I could but its rather embarrassing, but still, I wish that I had. I wish that I had been able to overcome my inhibitions and wrap my arms around this handsome guy and dance like no one was watching.


These days though, we dance in the kitchen while dinner cooks. Sometimes he gets brave and dips me and he never drops me, which is nice, considering the tile floor would probably crack my skull wide open.

But there was dancing! A little anyway.



This is Crystal, on the left, cutting a rug. She has no inhibitions when it comes to dancing. I love that about her. Actually, she has no inhibitions about anything. She's brave and generous and has sat up with me so many nights, listening me to ramble on and on, when I was a single mother. And I've done the same for her, when she became a single mom again. She gets me, too. Now she's married which you can read about here. It's a really cool, romantic story.

Here are a few more pictures of the day. This is Robert and some of his family. From left to right, Gabe, his stepbrother, Mary, his youngest sister, Bill, his cousin, Laura, his older sister, and Kristie, his cousin.



And this is my sweet husband shoving cake in my face. Oh, how he couldn't wait for this moment. He comes from a family of food fighters. Sometimes when we get together for holidays, he and his sisters still go at it.



But I forgave him. How could I not?



On the left, in the white jacket, my dear sweet Grandmother. She passed away two years ago. You can read about her here and here. I still miss her.



And here we are, the wedding party, with my son playing his usual goofy role. Look at those smiles.



As the sun was going down on the lake, we got together for our first family portrait.



This little family has grown since then but when I look back at that day, at this picture, and think about what has transpired in these last four years, I want to go back and find that nervous woman, the one with the screaming stomach, and tell her to relax. I want to tell her that she finally has something that is coming together, that enfolds her, that she can trust.

A wonderful circle of family and friends, all who played such an intricate part in this day.

And a love extraordinaire.