Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Bolt and Run

I've been away for too long.  So I stopped in for a visit today, peeking around corners, getting the feel for old familiar rooms and faces.  My balance has been out of kilter.  I tend to focus on one thing intensely for a while and then remember to swing back to me.  I was in the process of re-designing my life when, whack, a major hit to the heart and head stopped me dead in my tracks.  It has to to with this phone call.  She may be living with us for quite a while.  This may be her "forever home" as she calls it.  Maybe not.  We don't know for sure yet how things will play out.  But I love her and have accepted whatever comes.  

I got a dog a couple of months ago.  I needed something to cuddle.  Something to distract me from my overactive mind.  Sounded like a good idea.  I love this little guy, too.  But I didn't expect to have five people at once in my tiny 975 sq. ft house at one time.  And I didn't expect that my youngest daughter, home for summer from college, would have such a strong allergic reaction to him.

My real estate career is frustrating.  I'm not sure it's going in the direction that I would like for it to.  My thoughts are scattered.  I lack focus these days.  A friend suggested Xanax but I prefer my red wine in the evenings.  I need to feel what I feel in order to work through it, not cover it up.  Sometimes I think I'm handling everything well and other times, I can't catch my breath and I feel like a ferret bouncing from room to room.  That I'm a failure.  That I lack what it takes.  That I'm getting old.  That it's too late to change.  But then again, I'm hard on myself and I recognize that I'm living in my head too much instead of doing.  And I come back here and write it all out and by the end of the page, I'm feeling lighter.

And I remember how much I need this.