Tuesday, August 28, 2007

darkness has a hunger that's insatiable...

and lightness has a call that's hard to hear. that line is from "closer i am to fine" by the indigo girls. dino is learning that sacred song from our days of wine and roses and it's been in my head for a few days. when i get to that line, i'm mesmerized by it's simplicity and truth. the next line says "i wrap my fear around me like a blanket"...also true. when i come to a place in my life that i don't know what to do next, i sometimes become immobile. i wrap my fear blanket around me and drop anchor and sit for awhile. sulking. meditating. eating. i pull away from my family because they want they what i can't give. i crave silence. i rebel and only do the necessary things to get through each day. i wallow. i feel like a failure.

and then, i begin to hear the call of lightness. God knows me so he always sends the light in the form of a book. anne lamont is my light lately. she writes about life and god and motherhood with more raw honesty than any writer i've ever known. what courage that takes. to say your deepest, darkest thoughts without any fear. and yet, i know she has fear because she writes about that, too, yet she does it anyway. and because she is brave and shares her angst with me, i feel less alone and crazy.

there are mothers out there who would die for their children and also want to kill them at the same time. women who struggle with outbursts of rage when their cup runneth over. women who doubt themselves and every decision they've ever made. women who desperately try to find the beautiful in life in an effort to pull themselves out of the darkness.

"there's more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line. and the less i seek my source for some definitive, closer i am to fine." amen, indigo women.

i am always learning to be content.