Winter Bliss

I'm getting a head start on my list for the new year. I turn 47 on Saturday and my husband decided a few months back to take me on a cruise for my birthday! So, on the day I turn 47, we'll be sitting on a dream-like beach in Cozumel, Mexico, drinking something with an umbrella. I hope this is the first of many traveling adventures I'll have with him. I'm leaving the states for the first time, people!

We both really need this. Really. And I'm so grateful to have a husband who cares enough about to me to plan this, just for me. I wonder what it will be like to be separated from my phone? The texts, emails and phone calls? I wonder what it will be like to sit on the deck of a ship, my husband's hand in mine, with just a warm breeze, the smell of the salt in the air, and miles and miles of blue on blue all around us? I wonder what it will be like to be quiet, inside. And I wonder what it will be like to have nothing but the two of us to consider for four days?

I imagine it will be wonderful, beautiful, and the most fun we've had in a long, long time.

What's your favorite vacation? Or your dream vacation?

Inward

Why is that when you make a decision to make some changes, to be kinder, to be gentler, more patient, the universe decides to throw the most awkward, infuriating situations your way? Or is it that the situations haven't increased but that I'm just hyper-aware of them when they occur? Because it feels like the universe is shining a spotlight on me and I'm standing there, with this sheepish look on my face, muttering, "Damn it, you didn't handle that well at all, Melinda." Maybe it's a little of both.

There's something heavy on my mind, sitting there like a ton of garbage, about someone whom I care about. It isn't my husband or my children, not to worry. I can't, won't, write about it here. Just that it's there. The situation is what it is, but it's confusing to me. Extremely unsettling. It feels like a severing. And I don't know how to handle it but I don't feel like I've done a good job thus far. This was the first glaring spotlight of the week.

The second spotlight involves the ex. He's an alcoholic. He's domineering. He's extremely frustrating. He rants. He's petty. He's selfish. He's the father of my two daughters and he breaks their hearts almost everyday. He doesn't live in the same state, but he calls them a lot and visits. He's also been very financially supportive of them these last six years. He loves them. When he's sober, he's almost normal. They have pleasant conversations where he encourages them, tells them he loves them. The girls and I have a general rule where we don't answer his calls after 6pm because he's probably drunk or on his way. Lately, the time seems to have moved up to 3 or 4pm. My daughter who's away at college, made the mistake of calling him at 8pm and ended up hanging up on him. He called her back 17 times. She didn't answer. She called me, crying, feeling guilty and I soothed her. I decided to call him and ask him to stop. Tried to reason with him. It started out calmly but quickly escalated to the place where I was holding the phone in front of my face and yelling at it, trying to hurl my words directly at him. He never shuts up when he's drinking. He doesn't listen. He's belligerent. He threatens to disappear and to stop helping financially. And then I hung up on him, the old rage and frustration literally running through my veins like an electrical current. My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding. And after I've calmed down, talked to my husband about it, I think "Damn it. You didn't handle that well at all, Melinda." I know better than to try to reason with an alcoholic in the middle of a good drunk. God, do I know that.

I'm human. I realize that my emotions are going to get the best of me sometimes but I really want to get to that place where there's a whole lot less of, "Damn it...you could have handled that better, Melinda."

Onward.

That's What He Said

This is what I want for the new year.

More adventure, walks, singing, painting, gardening, sex, running, learning, reading, star-gazing, bird-watching, bike-riding, exploring, encouraging, building, smiling, eating, spending time with family and friends, laughing, cooking, seeing, hell, maybe even sewing, loving, rejoicing, writing, bee-keeping, butterfly-catching, growing, traveling.

Sing it, Elvis.

A little end of the year rambling...

Hats off to 2011! This last year has been a challenging, bittersweet year. We moved into a new house, smaller, more efficient, closer to what we love and away from the violence of the old neighborhood we lived in for 7 years.

I survived my middle daughter going off to college. That was a biggie. She's doing really well and I'm so proud of her!

I survived a major heartbreak as someone I love very much had a big fall and watched as they picked themself up and started over again, even stronger than before.

I've felt myself begin to mellow somewhat as I get older and realize that all of my children will soon be out on their own. The dynamics of my life are changing. I have days when I think that I'll cease to exist when my nest is fully empty and other days when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I'll survive. That I may even thrive. This is the way it's supposed to be. I'm learning how to let go and that it isn't such a bad thing after all.

My youngest daughter is leaving in August for college and that'll be it. The last of my children leaving the nest. My Mommy job will officially be different. It'll be interesting to see how good I am at letting go then. I could totally do a 360 here and whine like a big baby. We shall see.

And, a little bragging here, I've lost 25 of the pounds that I set out to do about two years ago. Five more to go. That's pretty empowering. A goal almost met. Just saying.

Oh yes, and my hubby signed us up for a bowling league because he wanted us to spend more time together (he does hear me, afterall!) but he absolutely hates it. Because he's really bad at it. And although it's a geriatric league, and most of them have an 175 or better average and are over the age of 65, it's been interesting to say the least.

So this year, this year has it's own challenges ahead but I like this word...reach. I'm adopting it from Beth's blog. I think it's an awesome word and it resonates with my soul and what I feel going into this new year. To reach inside of myself and pull out the best that I can be. I want to be softer, kinder, slower to anger, slower to criticize, more giving. Because I am so very grateful and the best is yet to come.

And oh, yes...my sweet husband, maybe because of the bowling debauchery, is taking me on a cruise the first of February. On my 47th birthday, I'll be sunning like a lazy, lizard on a beach in Cozumel, Mexico. Sweet. He's pretty amazing. Even if he does suck at bowling.

Happy New Year everyone! May 2012 be the best year ever and inspire us all.